So I am hoping to answer this question by the end of this post, I hope.
So here are some things that I have been recently feeling:
-There are so many good opportunities to go deeper now that I have to leave Japan soon
-I miss American food (correction: food in America)
-I want to stay for many upcoming weddings and graduations in Japan
-I should go to the hospital sometime soon just for a checkup or help
-I need money to do things, even ministry sometimes
-I feel like people back home are waiting for me to come home to do stuff only
-There are a lot of things that I left unfinished back home; therefore, I don’t want to go back
-I miss my youth kids
-I miss jamming/praying/bible readings
-I miss my youth kids
-I miss jamming/praying/bible readings
-I need a new external hard drive…
-I need to see a dentist
-I’m quite emotional…and I don’t like it
-I like living on my own, but I like being able to do things with people
-I really enjoy being a Jesus Soldier and I really like this team we have now
-I miss leading worship with a guitar and a full band
-I am surprisingly a jealous person
-I have many regrets
-I am afraid of the future
-I am selfish
-I don’t have much time left here
The list could go on and on, but I will stop here.
As my time is winding down here, I have been into thinking mode + do-as-much-as-I-can-before-I-leave mode and I believe this has been draining me a lot. However, I also believe it’s something that I should do to transition back into my life back home. If I just did what I wanted, then I wouldn’t leave here until March or the summer time. There are a lot of things to do now and a lot more things to do when I go back. So I have been asking myself the same question people asked me before I came to Japan: Am I running away from my problems or am I basing my decisions off of what God wants me to do?
So running away from my problems would be to stay here in Japan as long as possible, or do I really honestly think God wants me to stay longer? This thought came to me through talking with my mom on Skype not too long ago. (Which is funny because this is how my conversation went with her when I first even thought about coming here to Japan) She said to me, “if you think that you have a good opportunity to gain good experience (as in work, financially, etc.) for your future, then you can extend your stay until your Visa expires.” This actually made me want to come home after she said this to me because it felt like she didn’t want me to come back after telling me throughout the whole year to hurry and come back. But all it did was confuse me more.
What do I really want and what should I really do? In the beginning of this post I was hoping to figure that out, but I guess I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy…
P.S.: Ministry this past week has been pretty good. Campuses have been going well; just pretty hard to go deeper with people we just met. We also went out to the streets of Umeda (the city we live near) to do some street evangelism again. It wasn’t raining this time (Thank God) and it was fun. When you let God just do his thing, you get to see cool things happen and doors open!
P.P.S.: Pray for the messages I have to do on 1/9/11 that I can be used by God as his mouthpiece and an encouragement towards the J-House congregation. Also my knee is banged up. It’s just bruised and there’s no broken bones or anything, but just got into a little accident. I’m okay though (걱정 하지마 엄마. 괜찮아.)
D: what happened to your knee!!?!?!?
ReplyDeleteLord, let Kevin experience a beautiful release. a release into the freedom of Your grace and life. amen!
Will be prayin for yo bro! God speed!! Let ne know if you can meet up sometime to debrief a bit when you get back! Awesome pictures btw!
ReplyDeletei feel the same way about going to school in the east. sometimes i feel like i'm just running away from my problems at home, but i see something else as well. i know that God put me here and i think he even wants me to stay here in the future. i've learned so much being here that i feel like it was God's plan for me to "run away."
ReplyDeletei think God truly wants you to figure it out yourself. maybe you end up taking the path that God didn't intend for you to take, but if you do, somehow, God will show you what he really wants. that's why people learn from their "mistakes."
going to school here, i feel so cultured. i feel like i've met so many different people from all different types of backgrounds...different states...different lifestyles, so i hate going home sometimes because i feel like those people will never change and never see what's outside of their bubble. i can't even imagine what you're feeling in an entirely different country then.
maybe you aren't running away from problems. maybe you need japan as much as japan needs you.
in terms of people using you here, i think it can be true. but it might be because you make yourself available too much. perhaps you aren't as selfish as you think you are.
hope your knee heals fast.